An Overwhelming Sense of Emptiness

Here it is – the beginning. I’ve never been good at openings.

I’m currently sitting at home, feet up on one of our two reclining armchairs, feeling all cosy and keeping half an eye on the new BBC show The Living and The Dead (half and eye for Colin Morgan, whilst the rational part of me, terrified of the ghosts aspect, especially when I intend on sleeping tonight, keeps the other half off) nursing a hot chocolate and pondering what to write here. It struck me that the best thing to write may be an explanation of my reasons for starting this here blog.

The most obvious answer provides has a literal aspect as well as a metaphorical one: filling the emptiness. The literal interpretation is the far more straightforward of the two, so I will begin with that: this post is to fill the literal emptiness of the blog, and filling the emptiness that this url previously occupied.

The metaphorical is somewhat more difficult to explain.

Having finished my official education on the 23rd April this year, and having finished my exams on the 20th May this year, I have been left in a sort of tandem. No longer a secondary school student, not quite a Uni student. My brief holiday in Rome with my friends two weeks ago was only a temporary delay for the inevitable: a feeling of absolute emptiness.

This is not a new thing for me. Whenever I lack an actual goal, with an impending deadline, I lack motivation to do anything. Theoretically, this summer should be one of the happiest of my life: I’m free from school, which, at least for the past two years, has been a somewhat toxic environment for me, I have no responsibilities to weigh me down, and this is the last time I will ever get this sort of freedom. And yet, I don’t feel great.

I am a being in need of constant stimulation. Without a goal, and a deadline to have achieved that goal, I cannot muster enough interest to do anything. I have spent many of my days recently lying in bed until 11am, 12am, 1pm, watching video after video on YouTube, dozing on and off, and rising only when my phone requires charging due to not having a plug socket anywhere near my bed. More recently – and by that, I am referring to the past few days – I have been up earlier, but only due to my lovely mum dragging me out of bed around 7.30am every morning to go for a walk in an effort to get me moving and doing something. To some extent, it has worked, but I still lack the motivation to do that much after the walk is over.

I have several goals over this summer, but it is only my one main one that I intend to document here: to write a novel. My novel is planned (roughly – I often find my writing changes as it goes, so any plan is at risk of total demolition at any given time) and I have currently written 4063 words. I have decided that I will begin every post with a current word count on this novel, or whatever I am writing at that point, in an effort to motivate myself. Hopefully it will work as some form of self motivation – it better, because nothing else thus far has. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking, but it is very hard to begin the process of thinking positively. I do all the right things – I meditate, I set daily goals, I even have apps to remind me to work, but alas, nothing appears to help significantly. I have had experiences with both depression and anxiety, and don’t get me wrong, it is nothing like either of those (although, since last Thursday’s referendum result, I have seen a spike in my anxiety, but it has not affected my motivation other than making me feel bad that I am not motivated), I just don’t see the point in doing anything if there is no obvious repercussions for me not doing it.

So, following that ridiculous ramble, in short, I am starting this blog to try and fill the emptiness. If I’m posting something regularly, I have an impending deadline. Hopefully, with that one thing that I seem to find essential to get anything done, I will motivate myself. Fingers crossed!

Advertisements